Assholes vs. Douchebags

I was recently involved in a debate about the meaning of the terms "douchebag" and "asshole." A friend of mine said they were the same thing, which they clearly are not. An "asshole" is a person who intentionally harms, annoys, irritates and generally treats others like shit. A douchebag, by contrast is one who doesn't give a shit about others, and does not pursue their mistreatment, but still aids in it. Somebody who starts a fight is an asshole. Somebody who hails a cab away from a pregnant woman is a douchebag.


I find myself more in the company of douchebags lately than assholes, and therefore I've noticed some of the more common behaviors or symptoms, if you will, of douchebaggery. So here they are, some signs that you might be a douchebag:

• The collar on your polo shirt is up
  
• You wear sunglasses when you eat dinner
  
• You have a barbed wire tatoo on your arm


• You wear loafers with no socks


• You frequent bars with $12 mixed drinks


• You've made an appointment with a Book Appraiser


• You never notice other people


• You snap your fingers at waitstaff


• You've ever said "I never take the subway."


• Every pair of shorts you own is plaid


• You like Paris Hilton


• Your opinions of people are largely influenced by how they dress


• You constantly complain that other people are "dorky"


• You've ever worn a visor anywhere other than a golf course


• You can't go five minutes without saying the phrase "Hedge Fund."


• You refer to your parents as "mother" and "father"
• You call other people "big guy," "tough guy" or "guy"

• You think every woman should lose weight


• In public places you always talk louder than is necessary, then subtley look around and see if people heard you.


• You go tanning. Regularly.


• In a crowded Sheep's Meadow in NYC's Central Park, you play an overly aggressive game of touch football, constantly running into people's blankets and hitting them with your ball. To them, you casually and without looking say "sorry" in a way that makes it all too obvious that you don't care at all


• There is always a ton of product in your hair


• You carry aroud lip balm and constantly apply it


• You smoke and don't think it bothers anyone around you


• You didn't attend your cousin's wedding because the guy she married was Jewish


• You've watched yourself masturbate in a mirror


• You've given a close relative an expensive pen as a gift


• You constantly start statements with the phrase "I'm not racist, but..."


• You break up with girls by simply not calling them anymore


• You drink Smirnoff Ice and you aren't gay or a woman
• You've ever paid over $30 for a t-shirt


• You wear a wife-beater under your t-shirts
• Sometimes, you just wear the wife-beater
• You constantly talk about how much weight you can lift, and usually lie when you do
• Before you go out to a beach or a pool, you do push ups in the bathroom
  
  

I've long considered myself more of a douchebag than asshole - despite my wife's beliefs and the fact that I never have and never will put any type of gel into my hair - and this is mostly because I've never been in a fight, I love Smirnoff Ice and let's just say the bathroom mirror and I are more than just friends...