Taking Movie Characters Home
So Last Action Hero was on TV last night and other than coming up with another great idea for a porno that someone should make, I found myself asking this question:
Who are the 5 movie characters I'd most want to take out of the movies and bring home with me to hang out?
First of all, take porn out of the equation. 99% of straight guys would just take 5 different Jenna Jamesons home and die of dehydration and exhaustion six days later. So forget that. They don't count.
I thought about this for a long time. So many options. What characters do I really just want to hang out with? Would it just be 5 hot/easy girls? We love Tyler Durden and Hannibal Lecter as characters, but do we actually want to spend any time with them? Hell no. I'd love to have the Triceratops from Jurassic Park, but you get the feeling that's probably more trouble then it's worth. After much deliberation but probably not enough, this is what I decided on.
1. Dug from UP. He's cute, he's lovable and he talks. I don't know if our dog would like him, but she'd get used to it. I love this dog. And I wanted to take him home as soon as he said "I can smell you." This was hands down, easily my first choice.
2. Christina Ricci's sex addict from Black Snake Moan. Yes, I'd take her home. Yes, I'd chain her to a part of my house. But that's where the similarities to the plot would end. Her "rehabilitation" would be dramatically different - and less successful - than in the film.
3. Van Wilder from Van Wilder. Ryan Reynolds is a funny guy and Van seems like he'd be cool to hang out with. He knows how to throw a party and he always seems to know the right people. If he can make that unibrow guy in the movie get girls, he could really help my friends. Besides, I'd have to throw my wife a bone since she'd probably have some questions about why a naked Christina Ricci was chained up in our bedroom.
4. Mikaela from Transformers. No-brainer. Even my wife agreed that Fox was ridiculously hot in this movie. She's a bit of a rebel, she can fix cars (I can't) and she'll put up with a dorky guy (very important). I don't know how long she'd stick around though, but luckily I'll have some extra chain lying around...
5. The Terminator from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Of course, he'd have to agree to protect me. And not so much to hang out with - buddy style, but just to have my back. Everywhere I go. Imagine having him with you. What a boon to my confidence. And his ability and willingness to blow out people's kneecaps at a moment's notice is an added plus. He doesn't eat or sleep and requires very little upkeep or attention. He's just a permanent body guard who will literally take a bullet for you. Plus he's already mastered high fives. (also, he'll be handy to "remind" Van Wilder that those two ladies are here for me and me alone)
There are probably better people to pick. Geniuses, Navy SEALs, Jason Bourne or any of a number of other super heroes, or hot girls. But five isn't very many and these give me a nice mix of companionship, hotness, humor and protection. It's a good group.
*** EDITOR'S NOTE***
I have to add a 6th. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. I'm ashamed. This is probably my #2, right after Dug.
6. Optimus Prime from Transformers. Do I even have to explain how awesome having Optimus Prime would be? I don't even know what I'd do with him besides sit around listening to stories about Cybertron and watching him transform. Just driving him around would be awesome. Driving my new buddies around in Optimus Prime.
...Dug with his head out the window
...Van Wilder sitting there planning parties and cracking jokes
...The T-100 watching out the back for Cops
...Two hot chicks chained up in the back
Just imagine stopping in some terrible gang area and just waiting for someone to fuck with me. Then going home and seeing the following headline:
"100 people killed today by what witnesses described as some kind of cyborg working with a giant robotic truck. An unattractive white man with bad hair who appeared to be with them was unharmed."
Good times.
Who are the 5 movie characters I'd most want to take out of the movies and bring home with me to hang out?
First of all, take porn out of the equation. 99% of straight guys would just take 5 different Jenna Jamesons home and die of dehydration and exhaustion six days later. So forget that. They don't count.
I thought about this for a long time. So many options. What characters do I really just want to hang out with? Would it just be 5 hot/easy girls? We love Tyler Durden and Hannibal Lecter as characters, but do we actually want to spend any time with them? Hell no. I'd love to have the Triceratops from Jurassic Park, but you get the feeling that's probably more trouble then it's worth. After much deliberation but probably not enough, this is what I decided on.
1. Dug from UP. He's cute, he's lovable and he talks. I don't know if our dog would like him, but she'd get used to it. I love this dog. And I wanted to take him home as soon as he said "I can smell you." This was hands down, easily my first choice.
2. Christina Ricci's sex addict from Black Snake Moan. Yes, I'd take her home. Yes, I'd chain her to a part of my house. But that's where the similarities to the plot would end. Her "rehabilitation" would be dramatically different - and less successful - than in the film.
3. Van Wilder from Van Wilder. Ryan Reynolds is a funny guy and Van seems like he'd be cool to hang out with. He knows how to throw a party and he always seems to know the right people. If he can make that unibrow guy in the movie get girls, he could really help my friends. Besides, I'd have to throw my wife a bone since she'd probably have some questions about why a naked Christina Ricci was chained up in our bedroom.
4. Mikaela from Transformers. No-brainer. Even my wife agreed that Fox was ridiculously hot in this movie. She's a bit of a rebel, she can fix cars (I can't) and she'll put up with a dorky guy (very important). I don't know how long she'd stick around though, but luckily I'll have some extra chain lying around...
5. The Terminator from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Of course, he'd have to agree to protect me. And not so much to hang out with - buddy style, but just to have my back. Everywhere I go. Imagine having him with you. What a boon to my confidence. And his ability and willingness to blow out people's kneecaps at a moment's notice is an added plus. He doesn't eat or sleep and requires very little upkeep or attention. He's just a permanent body guard who will literally take a bullet for you. Plus he's already mastered high fives. (also, he'll be handy to "remind" Van Wilder that those two ladies are here for me and me alone)
There are probably better people to pick. Geniuses, Navy SEALs, Jason Bourne or any of a number of other super heroes, or hot girls. But five isn't very many and these give me a nice mix of companionship, hotness, humor and protection. It's a good group.
*** EDITOR'S NOTE***
I have to add a 6th. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. I'm ashamed. This is probably my #2, right after Dug.
6. Optimus Prime from Transformers. Do I even have to explain how awesome having Optimus Prime would be? I don't even know what I'd do with him besides sit around listening to stories about Cybertron and watching him transform. Just driving him around would be awesome. Driving my new buddies around in Optimus Prime.
...Dug with his head out the window
...Van Wilder sitting there planning parties and cracking jokes
...The T-100 watching out the back for Cops
...Two hot chicks chained up in the back
Just imagine stopping in some terrible gang area and just waiting for someone to fuck with me. Then going home and seeing the following headline:
"100 people killed today by what witnesses described as some kind of cyborg working with a giant robotic truck. An unattractive white man with bad hair who appeared to be with them was unharmed."
Good times.
Labels: movie characters
posted by Tent Time at 3:24 PM
6 Comments:
ok wow, are we talking about people we just want to chill with or in this experiment do we have to believe we would get along with this person...I will do both versions
Have to like me
1) Crash Davis, Bull Durham. I like dive bars, and cannot imagine a man better suited to personal pitchers and shuffle board
2) Mikeala, Transformers. Dead on my man pure sexuality
3) GANDALF, LOTR. I like your body guard theme but will take a pot smoking wizard as he would kick the shit out of your future robot and be fun to hang out with. Pass the south farthings finest please.
4) Sloane, Ferris Buller. Hottest girl of our childhood, to bang Sloane would be the greatest fufilment of childhood wet dreams
5) KGB, Rounders. Remember he has to like me, and I cannot think of a better way to spend a weekend in NYC than chillin with my russian mob boys in their private poker club
(Honorable shout outs to Amber Waves in Boogie Nights, and Lisa in Weird Science)
Would like me list
1) Brody, Mallrats. Lets be honest this guy IS half of my best friends in real life
2) Chris Parker, Adventures in Babysitting. I would have a chance with this incarnation of Elizabeth Shoe and that is a chance I am taking, cause goddamn was she hot and awesome.
3) Capt Ron, Capt Ron. Seriously this dude would be hilarious and amazing to spend some time with
4) Fletch, Fletch. Same as above
5) Lynn Braken, L.A. Confidential. Look I know she is a call girl, but good god yes and as long as I get in there before White I can play the same role and wisk her await to picket fence freedom and sex
I seriously thought about Gandalf. I did. I went with the Terminator because I figured he wouldn't talk much, whereas Gandalf would definitely start to point out the wrong/bad decisions I was making. For example, he would probably not overlook the two women chained up in my bedroom.
And Brody from Mallrats is a good choice. Who wouldn't want to hang out with that guy. Just don't shake his hand, or share food.
This is seriously hard by the way - could I break it up as such:
Characters I'd want to "take home" (as you indicate) and woo me:
- Lloyd Dobbler from Say Anything
- Han Solo from Star Wars
- Hugh Grant's character in 4 Weddings and a Funeral
- Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters
- Ben Affleck's character in Good Will Hunting
Characters I'd want to hang out with and be friends with:
- Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters :)
- Amelie
- Beatrix from Kill Bill (badass!!!)
- Frida Kahlo in Frida (or maybe I have misunderstood the question...)
- Albert from the Birdcage - I just think it would be fun to gossip and hang out with such a queen
Ok, first one's easy. We've got a limited roster, so I'm just gonna go ahead and combine my bodyguard and hot chick
1) Lisa - Kelly LeBrock in Weird Science: Gandalf has nothing on her. She's conjuring sweet cars, turning foes into slimy things, and all with no bra. I like the flying and the magic.
2) George Clooney Character Name - George Clooney in Generic Movie: He plays himself in all these movies, right? Anyway, picture him in Oceans Eleven if you need a specific example. Awesome dude to have around. Looks good in a tux. Probably helps me pick up classy ladies. Can get his hands on a ton of cash if the need arises.
3) Lt. Kaffee - Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men: Can crush softballs, 5 star generals, and crab claws with equal ease. He's sure to get me and Clooney out of jail.
4) Sam - Natalie Portman in Garden State: Ok, I never saw this movie and I'm mostly looking for a socially acceptable way to put Portman's characters from Beautiful Girls and The Professional on here. She's almost my age, so relax; those crushes were all age appropriate at the time.
5) Yoda (self explanatory): Seriously? Nobody else wants Yoda around teaching them about stuff and telling them in confusing ways the secret of life? I can't be alone on this, I refuse. You're all jealous of my friendship with Yoda. Also, if any of you don't like it, he'll just end you with his light saber. He's quite agile for an ancient alien. You've been warned.
I don't think the Professional crush was ever appropriate, but there's nothing wrong with that. You should know that the Portman character you picked has Epilepsy. Though, maybe that's turn on for you. I think there are sexier Portman's out there, but they're older so you might not be into that.
I like the Weird Science pick.
How can you forget Joe Hallenback from the Last Boy Scout?
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