Sunday, January 22, 2006

Killing Time

For a lot of us, there is no longer or more boring time of year than those icy months that fall between the calendar turning over and that first pitch on opening day. It's a long 3 months, and it doesn't pass quickly. Some of us spend this time reading, writing or having a meaningful relationship and those of us who have know that this is time wasted.

Eventually fantasy baseball guidebooks are printed and baseball preview issues hit the shelves, but its a long time between now and when writers start picking an overpriced and flawed Yankees team to win it all with quotes like "Jeter just knows how to win." Like hell he does. He knows how to win about as much as I know how to make a woman orgasm.

So we would like to offer up some suggestions of ways to pass the time until we all hear those magic words: "Pedro Martinez arrives late to Spring Training," or "Garciaparra Goes on DL," or "Sheffield Upset About Contract," or "Woman Claims Jose Lima Gave Her Herpes."


1. Watch Director's Cuts of all 3 Lord of The Rings films with and without commentary.
This should take you up until Valentine's Day. Though, lets be honest, if you do this
Valentine's Day has very little meaning to you anyway.

2. Play many rounds of Masturbation Clue.

3. Sort and Resort Your DVD collection.
There are countless ways to do this, but here are some suggestions:
Production Cost, amount of nudity, chronologically, genre, quality, or
if you're like us, cumshots.

4. Take someone in your group of friends, and devote the next six weeks to convincing
everybody else you know that they're gay. No actual evidence is required if you've
got enough heresay, conjecture and adobe photoshop.And don't forget to prey on other people's fear that you might think they're gay themselves.

5. Pretend College Basketball is Exciting.