'Twas the Night Before Baseball...

Twas the night before baseball and all through the house
The wife was a bitch, her libido was doused.
The game gets me horny, my juices are flowing.
But I know exactly where this dance is going.
Baseball to me is akin to foreplay.
But not for the wife, she still hopes I'm gay.

Now Opening Day was coming up quick
The winter forgotten, like a Nic Cage flick.
Wife's voice would soon become background noise
Drowned out by Vin Scully, immune to her ploys.
My focus would soon find only the game,
In a matter of weeks I won't know her name.
Conversations will be so fully one sided
Attempted flirtations are dumb and misguided.
I'll know batting stats and road OPSes
But important life dates will be down to best guesses.

All fantasy rosters are drafted and set
With the best sort of players a smart man can get
Power hitters and on-base machines
And strike throwing pitchers gripping the seams.
Head to head, roto and even points leagues
all ready to play like a young Cheryl Teigs.
Soon baseball would start with pitches and steals
But tonight I'm online with Jessica Biel.

The wife went to bed, a frown on her face,
As I sit and watch midgets get way past third base.
Hours from now, sweet baseball will start
The joy can be felt down deep in my heart.
But now I recline down next to my screen
watching the dirtiest shit that I've ever seen.
Rare is the time I can't focus on porn,
but tomorrow's the day a new season is born.
Baseball is coming, the season is near,
Tomorrow's the very best day of year!

The Decline of American Civilization

We're well beyond spelling "definitely" with an "a" or sincerely recommending the Sex and the City movies. Soon there will be nothing left but fat corpses and the distant hum of a Kim Kardashian "song."

This was a news story on MSN.com today:

How Will Mariah Carey's Jack Russell Terriers Handle Sharing Her With The Twins?

I cannot imagine the type of person who clicks on this story. But I can only assume that they contemplate suicide on an hourly basis. And if they asked me for my opinion, I wouldn't even try to talk them out of it.