The Best/Worst Movies of 2007

10 Favorite Moves of 2007

Choosing my top 10 movies of the year is a tough job. It shouldn't be, because nobody cares what I think, but it still was. Anyway, enjoy my top ten, and I strongly encourage everybody to see these movies.

10. Gone Baby Gone

9. The Savages

8. The Kingdom
7. I Am Legend
6. No Country For Old Men
5. Zodiac
4. 3:10 To Yuma
3. Eastern Promises
2. Before The Devil Knows You're Dead
1. The Bourne Ultimatum

Hardest Elimination From My Top Ten
There Will Be Blood - Was it just a showcase for Day-Lewis? Only repeated viewings will tell us for sure. Sure it's beautifully shot, but what about the ending?

Best Fight
Viggo Mortensen, naked, takes on hitmen in a London spa in EASTERN PROMISES

Runner Up: The Kingdom's 2 on 1 hand to hand fight to the death

Best Nude Scene - Female
Christina Ricci in Black Snake Moan

Runner Up: Marisa Tomei in Before the Devil Knows You're Dead (opening scene)

Best Nude Scene - Male
Viggo Mortensen again

Best Musical Number
The "by the Sea" number in Sweeney Todd is fantastic. And hilarious.

Worst Decision By a Military Man
Josh Duhamel in Transformers for deciding that the best place to stage a battle between giant robot armies is in a hugely populated city and not the desert. Good call there, buddy.

Best Use of a Dick on Screen
That Extra in Walk Hard

Worst Use of a Dick on Screen
Frankie Muniz simply existing in Walk Hard

Sexiest Woman On Screen
Megan Fox in Transformers

Sexiest Man on Screen
Simon Pegg in Hot Fuzz (courtesy of Megan)

Most Confusing Plot
Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End

Saddest Moment
I Am Legend - I will not elaborate

Funniest Moment
Spider Pig's impression of Marge in The Simpson's Movie

Best On-Screen Meltdown
Phillip Seymour Hoffman in Before The Devil Knows You're Dead

Movie That Most Seems Like a Good Idea in Real Life
The chaining of a half naked, sex crazed Christina Ricci to your radiator in Black Snake Moan

Runner up: The kidnapping and imprisonment of Elisha Cuthbert in Captivity

Movie That Most Seems Like a Bad Idea in Real Life
Not immediately aborting Seth Rogen's baby in Knocked Up

Most Throats Slit
Sweeney Todd

Most Graphic Throat Slicing
Eastern Promises

Movie Title That Most Makes Me Think of 7th Grade
Sweeney Todd

Slowest Moving Movie That Should Have Been Obvious by the Title
The Assassination of Jessie James by the Coward Robert Ford - The official run time is 160 minutes, but I walked out of that theater with a full beard and a 2 year old daughter.

Worst Moment on Screen
James Franco and Kirsten Dunst doing "the twist" in Spiderman 3

Movie Title That Most Made Me Want To Kill Somebody
The Jane Austen Book Club

Line From a Preview That Most Made Me Want To Kill Somebody
"Well, I'm already pregant, so what other kind of shennanigans can I get into?" - Juno
"Reading Jane is a freakin' mine field." - The Jane Austen Book Club

Most Shocking Ending
The Mist

Smallest Percentage of Budget Spent on Special Effects
The Mist

Movie So Bad a Friend of Mine Compared It to "Bicentiennial Man"
The Mist

Most Crowd Pleasing Moment
Dane Cook getting killed in Mr. Brooks

Least Crowd Pleasing Moment
Every other moment Dane Cook was on screen in 2007

Most Wince Inducing Scene of Graphic Violence
The eye stabbing in Eastern Promises

Least Believable Casting
Nicolas Cage as a man with real hair in Ghost Rider

Movie That Least Understands What It Means To Be A Badass
SpiderMan 3, which defines it has wearing black eyeliner and swing dancing.

Movie Most Clearly Made For Stupid People
Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer

Actors Least Likely To Have a Movie Go Straight to DVD, but did in 2007
Morgan Freeman (The Contract, Edison Force)
Kevin Spacey (Edison Force)

Creepiest Moment
That basement in Zodiac

Actor Whom It's Hard To Remember Was Ever Funny
Robin Williams in License to Wed (or any other movie since The Birdcage)

Most Blatant Attempt to Push Religion Onto Moviegoers
Evan Almighty

Best Use of a Miniature Town and Full Size Swan
Hot Fuzz

Best Car Chase
Death Proof (2nd half of Grindhouse)

Best Body Accessory
Rose McGowan's machine gun leg in Planet Terror (1st half of Grindhouse)

Most Inappropriate Use of the Word "Requiem" in a Movie Title
Aliens vs. Predator: Requiem



5 Worst Movies of 2007





Making a worst of 2007 list is hard because in most cases, when a terrible movie comes out, I simply don't see it. I knew not to waste time and money on crap like I Know Who Killed Me, Hostel: Part 2, Evan Almighty, License to Wed, The Comebacks, The Nanny Diaries, Good Luck Chuck, Martian Child or Fred Claus. I thought about seeing Bratz and "pretending" to masturbate in the theater, but didn't. I did see Hitman, though, so I'm not sure what that says about me.



5. The Mist
4. Lions for Lambs
3. Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer
2. Ghost Rider

1. SpiderMan 3

When the utter debacle that was SpiderMan 3 was over, I found myself asking just what Sam and Ivan Raimi had been doing during the 3 years since the top notch Spider-Man 2. I mean seriously. This mindless threequel contains two - count 'em two - unwatchable dance sequences. First, a dark haired (eye shadow sporting) Tobey Maguire swing dances with the beautifully blonde Bryce Dallas Howard (how could Sam Raimi so misunderstand what it means to be a bad ass? This is Peter Parker's dark side? My theater was laughing and I could barely even look at the screen) and an even more asinine 'twist' sequence with James Franco and Kirsten Dunst who both must have just been thinking about their paychecks.



Now those two scenes alone would put any movie on a worst of list, but Spider-Man 3 wasn't done. In a true display of terrible writing, the movie provides the two worst, most inexplicable plot cheats in recent memory.
#1 - Harry has to learn that his father's death was in fact self-inflicted, so he can forgive Spiderman. How to do this? Should he re-examine evidence? Talk to the police? No, no. Instead, the house servant, who in the almost SEVEN previous hours of Spider-Man movies had not once appeared on screen comes out of nowhere to calmly explain to Harry (without a shred of physical evidence in his hands, mind you) that the wounds on his father's body were in deed self inflicted. Brilliant.
#2 - How will Spider Man stop Sandman, a man hell bent on getting enough money to cure his daughter? Water didn't work. How about burning him? Can he be trapped? The Raimis must have thought long and hard on this, because eventually, the best they could come up with was - NOTHING. Instead of being defeated, of course Sandman would just decide he doesn't want to fight anymore. Of course, that doesn't help his daughter at all, but what the heck, the movie was pushing three hours. Just terrible.