Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Scenes From a Marriage: Vol. 7

Occasionally, my wife decides our house is a mess and spends the day cleaning the shit out of it. Today, she went a little overboard. She vacuumed the mail. I don't mean that she sucked the mail up into the vacuum to get rid of it. I mean she used the small attachment and vacuumed the dust and dog hair off the day's mail.

Should I be concerned?

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Thursday, November 05, 2009

Probably Inappropriate

So I'm watching Game 6 of the world series and I was in a bad mood because the Yankees were on they way to winning when our doorbell rings.

I open the door to find a cute, reasonably busty teenage girl smiling. And I'll tell you right now if that "future crime" thing in Minority Report was real, I'd be in jail right now. Anyhow, she was there with an older girl, probably to keep her from getting abducted by people like me, who answer the front door in the boxer shorts and food all over their shirt.

Anyway, as I slowly but steadily climbed to half mast, she went on and on about how these newspaper subscriptions I was going to buy would help her go to school for Nursing. I ask her to cut to the chase because the game was on. Which was a classy move.

Mind you, this whole time, as she talked she was playing with her hair and coyly smiling. Like a regular whore. As it is, I like whores so she was in good shape for a sale. (Brief backstory here: when my friend and I were in Arizona working in the AFL we were similarly bothered by two high school girls knocking on our door. I don't know exactly what happened but I ended up buying 7 years of JANE magazine and my buddy will be getting Men's Health long after he's dead.)

At any rate, the game came back on so I was antsy to end the whole thing. I asked how much, she said $20 and without thinking I said "I'll do it if you two kiss a little bit."

They didn't.

But the good news is that my wife didn't hear me say that. DID NOT. Did in no way hear me offer a high school girl $20 to make out with what was probably her older sister. Heard not a word. Not a single word.

But for some unrelated reason a lot of my stuff is now out in the backyard.