People Who Should Kill Themselves Vol. 2

Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi, the Iranian Cleric who publicly stated: "Many women who do not dress modestly ... lead young men astray, corrupt their chastity and spread adultery in society, which (consequently) increases earthquakes."

It's the 21st century and somebody actually said this. Actually formed the words with his mouth and said them out loud. This is a man in a position of authority who truly believes that earthquakes - EARTHQUAKES - are caused by women. It might be time for Iran so spend a little more money on scientific research. Or think about reading some books from time to time.

At first I thought it was sad for him, but then I realized it's just sad for the women there.

People Who Should Kill Themselves #1

The guy behind me in line at Costco who was purchasing one item and one item only.

That item: a Blue-Ray of Old Dogs

Taking Movie Characters Home

So Last Action Hero was on TV last night and other than coming up with another great idea for a porno that someone should make, I found myself asking this question:

Who are the 5 movie characters I'd most want to take out of the movies and bring home with me to hang out?

First of all, take porn out of the equation. 99% of straight guys would just take 5 different Jenna Jamesons home and die of dehydration and exhaustion six days later. So forget that. They don't count.

I thought about this for a long time. So many options. What characters do I really just want to hang out with? Would it just be 5 hot/easy girls? We love Tyler Durden and Hannibal Lecter as characters, but do we actually want to spend any time with them? Hell no. I'd love to have the Triceratops from Jurassic Park, but you get the feeling that's probably more trouble then it's worth. After much deliberation but probably not enough, this is what I decided on.

1. Dug from UP. He's cute, he's lovable and he talks. I don't know if our dog would like him, but she'd get used to it. I love this dog. And I wanted to take him home as soon as he said "I can smell you." This was hands down, easily my first choice.

2. Christina Ricci's sex addict from Black Snake Moan. Yes, I'd take her home. Yes, I'd chain her to a part of my house. But that's where the similarities to the plot would end. Her "rehabilitation" would be dramatically different - and less successful - than in the film.

3. Van Wilder from Van Wilder. Ryan Reynolds is a funny guy and Van seems like he'd be cool to hang out with. He knows how to throw a party and he always seems to know the right people. If he can make that unibrow guy in the movie get girls, he could really help my friends. Besides, I'd have to throw my wife a bone since she'd probably have some questions about why a naked Christina Ricci was chained up in our bedroom.

4. Mikaela from Transformers. No-brainer. Even my wife agreed that Fox was ridiculously hot in this movie. She's a bit of a rebel, she can fix cars (I can't) and she'll put up with a dorky guy (very important). I don't know how long she'd stick around though, but luckily I'll have some extra chain lying around...

5. The Terminator from Terminator 2: Judgment Day. Of course, he'd have to agree to protect me. And not so much to hang out with - buddy style, but just to have my back. Everywhere I go. Imagine having him with you. What a boon to my confidence. And his ability and willingness to blow out people's kneecaps at a moment's notice is an added plus. He doesn't eat or sleep and requires very little upkeep or attention. He's just a permanent body guard who will literally take a bullet for you. Plus he's already mastered high fives. (also, he'll be handy to "remind" Van Wilder that those two ladies are here for me and me alone)

There are probably better people to pick. Geniuses, Navy SEALs, Jason Bourne or any of a number of other super heroes, or hot girls. But five isn't very many and these give me a nice mix of companionship, hotness, humor and protection. It's a good group.

*** EDITOR'S NOTE***

I have to add a 6th. I can't believe I didn't think of this before. I'm ashamed. This is probably my #2, right after Dug.

6. Optimus Prime from Transformers. Do I even have to explain how awesome having Optimus Prime would be? I don't even know what I'd do with him besides sit around listening to stories about Cybertron and watching him transform. Just driving him around would be awesome. Driving my new buddies around in Optimus Prime.
...Dug with his head out the window
...Van Wilder sitting there planning parties and cracking jokes
...The T-100 watching out the back for Cops
...Two hot chicks chained up in the back

Just imagine stopping in some terrible gang area and just waiting for someone to fuck with me. Then going home and seeing the following headline:
"100 people killed today by what witnesses described as some kind of cyborg working with a giant robotic truck. An unattractive white man with bad hair who appeared to be with them was unharmed."

Good times.