People Who Should Kill Themselves #3

The guy at the gym yesterday who stole my workout gloves - AFTER I worked out.
AFTER I spent 80 minutes pouring sweat into them.
AFTER I hadn't washed them in no less than 4 months.


These things must have smelled like shit. Like actual shit. But that didn't stop this asshole from taking off with them.

I guess if he needed gloves badly enough to risk all manner of infections by stealing what my wife describes as "the most disgusting things you own" then I probably shouldn't waste time wishing death on him. He'll likely die an hour after using them anyway.

Things My Dad Did On Vacation

A while ago, my wife and I joined my parents and my brother on a cruise to Antarctica. The trip was amazing and I strongly recommend it to anybody who loves nature and wants to see things they've never seen before.

Now, if there's a downside to taking a trip like this, it's spending over 2 weeks on a 300ft boat with my parents. They're great and we love them to death, but certain habits, tendencies and generally odd behaviors become very hard to ignore when there's nowhere to hide from them.

With that in mind, I present to you this list:

Things My Dad Did on Vacation in Antarctica:

• We all stood at the bow of the ship looking out a huge iceberg we were slowly approaching. There was nothing else but ocean as far as the eye could see. After about five minutes of staring at and taking pictures of the iceberg, my dad said "Look at that iceberg."
• Just before making a key move during a close game of cards he was on the verge of losing, he claimed to be "scared stiffless."
• He insisted that a different, giant iceberg in the middle of the Antarctic was in fact a US Aircraft Carrier.
• Cannot seem to determine the difference between clockwise and counterclockwise.
• Ate a dish called "pork neck."
• Spoke proudly of the fact that his regular diet of fried foods, bacon, sausage and eggs was making his blood thicker.
• When able to correctly identify icebergs, he referred to them as "bergs," presumably to save time.
• He misplaced is 1100 page book detailing the life of Dwight Eisenhower. When he realized he couldn't find it, he wrongly concluded that "someone else must have wanted to read it."
• Ordered and drank a Sex on the Beach.
• Stared closely at a photograph of a mustached stranger and stated "there I am." When told it was not him, he peered in even closer and said "What do you mean? Of course it's me. Who else would it be?" Upon even closer inspection he then said "Wait a minute. That's not my shirt." My father does not have a mustache.
• While at dinner, my Dad said to a waiter whowas trying to take our drink orders: "I gotta get Doc to take me off this damn stuff." The waiter stared with confusion. My Dad then said "I'm on medication so I can't drink alcohol." The waiter nodded and suggested a soda. My Dad thought and then said "I'll have some red wine."