Olden Times
Ahhhhh, summertime...
If your idea of summer is anything like mine than it means you've got an ice cold Smirnoff Ice silently sweating in one hand and the rhythmic rattling of 5 Yahtzee di in the other. It also means you should seriously consider putting that 6 foot rope in your closet to some good use.
But dear readers, that is how I spent my Labor Day weekend. Was I upset about this? Goodness no. The only upsetting part was that my wife kept bludgeoning me at Yahtzee. I don't see how someone who prides herself on being thought of as unlucky (which speaks volumes about my perception) can be so consistently good at Yahtzee.
This was, however, something of a change from how we spent Labor Day, 2006: Drunkenly fumbling about in an adult novelty shop comparing bottles of anal lube to bottles of jack-off lube, deciding if $199.99 was indeed too much to spend for a plastic replica of Tera Patrick's face (with eyes that move, and a tube in her mouth for your cock - best line on the box is a tie between "tube removes for easy clean-up" and "dishwasher safe"), and looking at t-shirts with clever phrases like "my kid raped your honor student."
Sadly, Labor Day does signal sort of an end to summer. Ten years ago I'd be heading back to school. Now all I can think of is how exactly a game like Yahtzee has suddenly taken our lives by storm. As I write, we just completed another full game on this lovely Friday evening. Yes, Friday. And yes, we live in New York City. You'd think at the very, very least, we could have taken Yahtee to a bar and played there. Alas, we did not.
Board games seem to be popping up all over the place now. Last night we attended a Game Night at the home of and mostly attended by Doctors. The game of choice: Cranium. You'd think then that the person in the group who didn't know how to spell "snorkel" would be one of us non-doctors. And you would be wrong. It was perhaps the most aggregious board game error since my wife and our friend convinced themselves that dolphins could speak by aggreeing that "dophins are like the smartest animal." I'm pretty sure that if a dolphin ever uttered a phrase such as "go to gym" (as the trivial pursuit card suggested) that it would national news. And that the dolphin would immediately be killed. I don't need to be thinking that dolphins can talk while I'm trying to climax, that you very much. It's hard enough to do with Sarah Jessica Parker's ugly ass all over the place.
But I'm getting away from the point. If I had one, which I now don't think I did. It seems that board games are intended for two age groups. First there are young children, who play games like candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Then there are the creepy adults who use those same games to lure the children into the back of their unmarked van. Anyway, then you turn 15 and board games just aren't fun anymore. And how can they compete with driving, underage drinking, pornography and girls? They just can't. Trust me, the only seventeen year old who wants to play a game of Parcheesi has no fake I.D, failed his driving test and couldn't pick out the vagina in a child birth video. (also, he looks a lot like I did at that age).
Then you turn 25 and you might grow a little tired of those things, except sex, which when attainable, is still slightly better than a game of Simpsons Jeopardy. In my opionon the best board game is hands down Taboo. No board game results in dumber or more entertaining things coming out of people's mouths. Watching my wife trying to get our friend to say "drip" and listening to him continue to say "leak" is just priceless.
Wife: A sound you hear in the sink at night
Friend: Oh, from a leak? A water leak? Is it leak? It's leak, right? Leak? Oh, it's a leaky faucet. Leak? Like water falling out? Leaking? Leak? Is it leak? Leaky?
Wife: I'll fucking kill you.
And of course there's the occasional mind-meld that takes place between two idiots. One of the best ones I've ever witnessed came when one person was trying to get the other to say "Chariot."
Person A: "Olden Times"
Person B: "Chariot"
Just like that. Of course, there's only one thing worse than 3 twenty-eight year olds playing board games on a Friday night. And that's blogging about it afterwards.
And possibly reading the blog.
If your idea of summer is anything like mine than it means you've got an ice cold Smirnoff Ice silently sweating in one hand and the rhythmic rattling of 5 Yahtzee di in the other. It also means you should seriously consider putting that 6 foot rope in your closet to some good use.
But dear readers, that is how I spent my Labor Day weekend. Was I upset about this? Goodness no. The only upsetting part was that my wife kept bludgeoning me at Yahtzee. I don't see how someone who prides herself on being thought of as unlucky (which speaks volumes about my perception) can be so consistently good at Yahtzee.
This was, however, something of a change from how we spent Labor Day, 2006: Drunkenly fumbling about in an adult novelty shop comparing bottles of anal lube to bottles of jack-off lube, deciding if $199.99 was indeed too much to spend for a plastic replica of Tera Patrick's face (with eyes that move, and a tube in her mouth for your cock - best line on the box is a tie between "tube removes for easy clean-up" and "dishwasher safe"), and looking at t-shirts with clever phrases like "my kid raped your honor student."
Sadly, Labor Day does signal sort of an end to summer. Ten years ago I'd be heading back to school. Now all I can think of is how exactly a game like Yahtzee has suddenly taken our lives by storm. As I write, we just completed another full game on this lovely Friday evening. Yes, Friday. And yes, we live in New York City. You'd think at the very, very least, we could have taken Yahtee to a bar and played there. Alas, we did not.
Board games seem to be popping up all over the place now. Last night we attended a Game Night at the home of and mostly attended by Doctors. The game of choice: Cranium. You'd think then that the person in the group who didn't know how to spell "snorkel" would be one of us non-doctors. And you would be wrong. It was perhaps the most aggregious board game error since my wife and our friend convinced themselves that dolphins could speak by aggreeing that "dophins are like the smartest animal." I'm pretty sure that if a dolphin ever uttered a phrase such as "go to gym" (as the trivial pursuit card suggested) that it would national news. And that the dolphin would immediately be killed. I don't need to be thinking that dolphins can talk while I'm trying to climax, that you very much. It's hard enough to do with Sarah Jessica Parker's ugly ass all over the place.
But I'm getting away from the point. If I had one, which I now don't think I did. It seems that board games are intended for two age groups. First there are young children, who play games like candyland and Chutes and Ladders. Then there are the creepy adults who use those same games to lure the children into the back of their unmarked van. Anyway, then you turn 15 and board games just aren't fun anymore. And how can they compete with driving, underage drinking, pornography and girls? They just can't. Trust me, the only seventeen year old who wants to play a game of Parcheesi has no fake I.D, failed his driving test and couldn't pick out the vagina in a child birth video. (also, he looks a lot like I did at that age).
Then you turn 25 and you might grow a little tired of those things, except sex, which when attainable, is still slightly better than a game of Simpsons Jeopardy. In my opionon the best board game is hands down Taboo. No board game results in dumber or more entertaining things coming out of people's mouths. Watching my wife trying to get our friend to say "drip" and listening to him continue to say "leak" is just priceless.
Wife: A sound you hear in the sink at night
Friend: Oh, from a leak? A water leak? Is it leak? It's leak, right? Leak? Oh, it's a leaky faucet. Leak? Like water falling out? Leaking? Leak? Is it leak? Leaky?
Wife: I'll fucking kill you.
And of course there's the occasional mind-meld that takes place between two idiots. One of the best ones I've ever witnessed came when one person was trying to get the other to say "Chariot."
Person A: "Olden Times"
Person B: "Chariot"
Just like that. Of course, there's only one thing worse than 3 twenty-eight year olds playing board games on a Friday night. And that's blogging about it afterwards.
And possibly reading the blog.
Labels: Labor Day, lube, Summer, Taboo, Tera Patrick, Yahtzee
posted by Tent Time at 2:32 PM
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