Scenes From a Marriage: Vol 5

My wife is watching The Bachelorette. Why she is doing this, I do not know. She's way too smart to watch that kind of garbage.

Me: I should go on this show. It would be funny.
Wife: Oh, no. No, no. You wouldn't stand a chance.
Me: Why?
Wife: People don't like you.
Me: That's not true.
Wife: Trust me, it is. Nobody likes you.

Pause.

Me: Want to have sex?
Wife: No.

Scenes From a Marriage: Vol. 4

I'm sitting on the couch eating peas. Apparently, too loud.

Wife: "I want to shove peas up your nose until you suffocate and die."