Frozen in Ambiguity

I'm not one to openly mock my close friends. That's just not my style. Unless of course, they bring it upon themselves, which two of my friends most certainly did at a Halloween Party last Saturday. If it wasn't bad enough that they dressed the way they did, they also managed to pose for a photo

To be clear, I don't regularly bash people's choices in costumes or photos. After all, I just threw on a dress at halloween all four years of college, and there are - somewhere - two rather incriminating photos of me. One in which I am again clad in a dress and being spanked by a cowboy in a pink shirt and bicycle shorts and another in which my tongue is so close to the tongue of another man that I shudder at the mere mention of it. Also, that same guy (my roommate) and I adopted the song "I think we're alone now" as our personal anthem for junior year of college.

However, these two morons have posed for what might just be the single most unintentionally gay photo I have ever seen two notoriously straight guys take. It's worth mentioning that this is not first foray into sexual ambiguity. While in high school, these two Casanova's hit Lilith Fair and walked around shirtless together trying to pick up chicks. Yes, that Lilith Fair. Not exactly your classic singles mixer. I therefore would like to suggest a JOKE OFF! Let me hear every one liner that you can spit out. First, the photo (and note the hand placement):

Now, the jokes:

• High-Ho Silver! I'm gay!
• Happy Holidays from Adam and Steve.
• The last remaining village people.
• Gay if by land, gay if by sea.
• http://www.interracialgaysex.com/
• Does this jacket make me look gay? No, everything else does.
• Uh...Our "girlfriends" took this picture.
• The Overtly Gay Duo
• Now your anus isn't safe on land or at sea.
• Brokeback Caribbean
• Time for another round of "Hide Your Penis in My Mouth and Anus."
• The further adventures of Cowpoke and Butt Pirate
• Yo-Ho, yo-ho another penis for me!
• We can guess what they buried on Treasure Island. And where.

Add whatever you can come up with, however tasteless.

A Halloween Haunting

What follows is a terrifying Halloween Nightmare. You'll sweat with terror down to your very sole. Or just click away. I call it:

"His Eyes Are Watching Me"

As most of you know, or have figured out, I'm married. Now, in spite of this, or in fact because of this, I masturbate a lot. A hell of a lot. Recently, however, there's been a rather disturbing trend in my climaxes, which has led me to start masturbating much much less. As you can imagine, this is not good.

It all started a few weeks ago when my wife and I were watching X-Men 2. Why 2? Well, for starters, Brett Ratner ruined X-Men 3, but mostly just because it was on. At any rate, if you know anything about the X-Men movies or the X-Men in general, you know there is a shape shifting character named Mystique. If you are not familiar with the movies, there are 3 things about her you need to know:
1. Her costume is blue body paint
2. She is always naked
3. She's played by Rebecca Romijn

Thinking about this, admittedly too much, I said that she would make the perfect wife (putting aside the fact that she is something of a serial killer). Imagine it, every night, her husband could have sex with a different woman. She could be anybody. Michelle Branch, Meredith Viera, the mom from ALF, a pregnant Demi Moore or Michelle Branch with a different hair cut. The possibilities and hair colors are endless.

It's possible that telling your wife that the idea of having sex with a different woman every night of your life is your ultimate fantasy is a bad idea. I'm not saying that it's definitely a bad idea, but it is possible.

My wife then brought up a good point. She said that Mystique might get a little self conscious that all these nights I want her to look like someone else. In fact, she might get very angry about it. My wife said that if she was Mystique, she would get back at me. After the third time I demanded to have anal sex with Melissa Ethridge, she would wait until she thought I was about to climax and change her body to exactly match my father. In that instant she would turn her head around and lock eyes with mine and more or less cause me to lose my sanity in 3 seconds.

First I laughed at this. It was pretty clever. And utterly devastating. I stopped laughing a few nights later when at my moment of porn and exficiation induced orgasm my mind temporarily produced a snapshot of my father's smiling face.

Why my brain did that, I do not know. Why it continues to haunt me to this day, I wish I knew. I wish I could stop it, I really do, but I just can't. And what's worse, what's somehow more disturbing, troubling and nauseating, is the fact that during these last few weeks that his eyes have been on me, my orgasms have never been better. They drain me so thoroughly that I can't go again for several days.

It's probably not a big deal though. I mean, all that sex I had with my dad when I was in my early twenties was bound to pop up again in my brain sooner or later, right? Right?



Happy Halloween.

Things My Wife Said To Me During Tetris

In continuing with confessions of geekdom that began with my last post's discussion of Yahtzee and Taboo, my wife and I are avid Tetris players on Nintendo 64. My wife is incredibly competitive and tends to let her emotions get the better of her, especially if/when I happen to win a game.

She has something of a history of violence and cruelty during competitions as even the most friendly game of beach volleyball with friends, included her throwing sand into an opponent's eyes. Don't get me wrong. We're both competitive, though I tend to threaten her life significantly less frequently than she threatens mine.

I therefore present to you the following list:

Things My Wife Said To Me During Tetris:

• I hate you
• If you take another breath, I'll kill you
• Keep scratching your nose, faggot
• There's nothing good about you as a person
• You're such a dickface
• I'm glad you've got this in your life, because you have nothing else
• Why aren't you pushing that fucking button?
• Are you done gloating, you piece of shit?
• We're not having sex for a week
• We're not having sex for a month
• We're never having sex again
• I don't know what I ever saw in you
• Sweet haircut
• You smell like dog shit
• How does someone so ugly get so lucky?
• I really want to hurt you right now
• I still want to hurt you
• You're lucky we don't own a gun
• When you do that, I imagine you dying

When we were done playing, I asked for a kiss to which she responded:

"Oh, shit."