Scenes From a Marriage: Vol. 1

As my wife and I near our 5th year anniversary, several people have told me that we will soon find a lot of the magic and excitement disappear from our relationship. I've also heard the 5th anniversary described as something like a mile marker on a highway or for some unfortunates, an exit. For me though, I see it as more of a vast, bottomless crevice into which my car is slowly slipping and there's nothing to grab onto as I fall.

Moving on, I've asked when we'll notice this loss of magic and I've been told two different things. Either there will be a clearly defined moment that will signify and illustrate a total lack of excitement or it will happen so gradually that we won't even notice until one night when we'll find ourselves watching reruns of Frasier on TVLand and chuckling gently to ourselves as we slowly forget how our genitals work.

With us, it was definitely the first thing - a signifying moment. And it just happened. My wife said to me the following:


"Wow! This is the crunchiest fucking lettuce I've ever tasted. I can't believe it. Amazing."


It wasn't just that she said this (which in itself illustrates a complete and total end of excitement in her own life), it's the fact that she thought I would have even the slightest interest in hearing it. To me, that's a signal as clear as a mushroom cloud that the magic is over and now we need only wait out the many remaining years of our pulse-less, thrill-free existence until the cold embrace of death finally relieves us.



Of course, I could just be tired from that orgy we went to last night...