The Decline of American Civilization

We're well beyond spelling "definitely" with an "a" or sincerely recommending the Sex and the City movies. Soon there will be nothing left but fat corpses and the distant hum of a Kim Kardashian "song."

This was a news story on MSN.com today:

How Will Mariah Carey's Jack Russell Terriers Handle Sharing Her With The Twins?

I cannot imagine the type of person who clicks on this story. But I can only assume that they contemplate suicide on an hourly basis. And if they asked me for my opinion, I wouldn't even try to talk them out of it.

People Who Should Kill Themselves #1

The guy behind me in line at Costco who was purchasing one item and one item only.

That item: a Blue-Ray of Old Dogs

Suicidal Thoughts

Talking with my mom on the phone today, she mentions that she now watches Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Regularly. She's also a fan of Chelsea Lately, but since that show is actually funny, it doesn't concern me.

My mom had questions about the Kardashians:
1. Who are they?
2. Are they famous? For what?
3. Why are they on TV?
4. When did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

I didn't have an answer for these questions. Who are they? Awful people. Are the famous? I suppose. For what? I have no idea. The last two are great mysteries as well.

Somehow, and I'm not sure how it happened, we started to argue. I didn't even realize it was an argument until five minutes had gone by and we still disagreed. That's when it hit me. My mom and I had just spent 5 minutes discussing the Kardashians. Specifically, which daughter was most attractive. This had happened. 5 minutes of our lives were gone. They weren't coming back. And we'd spent them in quite possibly, the worst way imaginable.

Things I would rather do for five minutes or would even feel better about having done for five minutes include but are certainly not limited to: punching myself in the face, running up a hill, drinking milk, shaving my balls and or course - killing the Kardashians.

When I thought about the fact that the Kardashians had just taken up 5 minutes of my day, I really wanted to kill myself. What was the point of going on? My mom somehow talked me down and I'm grateful for that. Because if she hadn't, then I wouldn't have been able to spend these last 10 minutes blogging about the Kardashians. And clearly, my life really needed that.


*By the way, in case you were wondering, I said Kim and my mom one of the other ones.