Gym Locker Rooms - Hell on Earth

Why is that regardless of what locker I pick at the gym, when I come back to get my stuff there is always some troll, completely naked sitting right in front of it? Without fucking fail. Where does this guy come from? Because he's obviously not working out. Does he stop in after work just to use the shower and then sit around? Maybe he comes in just to sit his fat, sweaty ass in the sauna for a half hour and call it exercise.

And thanks for grumbling when I point out that my locker is behind your hairy back. Like I want it to be there. I desperately want to hold my lock now that it's covered with your sweat. Really, I'm the inconvenience here. And why does this guy always sound like every breath might be his last. Like every inhale is a great effort and every exhale sounds like relief that he was able to inhale.

And don't wrap that yellowing towel around you as you stand up. Just stand up and stretch briefly, before moving exactly one locker down so your six pound nest of pubic hair will never leave my peripheral vision. That's very nice. Thanks.


It all leads me to this - The Top 5 WORST Things I've seen in Gym Locker Rooms:

5. Fat guy with no visible penis standing naked in the middle of the locker room drying his taint "butt-floss" style.

4. Tool Academy-type Douchebag blow drying his pubes by the sink.

3. Middle-aged Asian guy wearing only a thong stretching and re-stretching his hamstrings.

2. Elderly guy emerge from shitter completely naked. (I don't know if he entered in same condition)

1. Overly tanned Mega-Tool lathering and re-lathering his ENTIRE body with lotion. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING LOCKER ROOM. How desperate for attention is this guy. And why is it illegal to kill him?

Was He Hitting On Me?

So I'm at the gym. I don't want to get into it, because I hate it when guys talk about working out. It's irritating. And very douchebaggy. It's something I try to avoid, like Sarah Jessica Parker movies or guys who put gel in their hair.

The gym always plays awful music. And almost everytime I'm there, I hear a song I've never heard before or since. It's always some kind of 80's techno-opera-country. It never makes any sense I don't know where it all comes from. I've heard a woman singing about her sandals and a man crooning about roller skates. I always wanted to ask what station they had on, but I never did. That's probably because I was usually complaining about the water fountain not working or the A/C going out. Or both.

Okay, so I'm sitting on a bench, listing to a particularly odd sounding song that seemed to be combining a synthesizer, a harp and a triangle to a woman's voice that could best be described as "sounding German." I'm sitting there, furrowing in my brow with confusino and looking up to the speakers when it happens.

There's an older guy on the bench a few feet to my left. He has a mustache. His clothes aren't memorable, just a t-shirt and shorts. I hear his voice.

"Hey," he says.
I turn to look at him.
"What is this crap?" He motions up toward the music.
"I have no idea," I offer.
"Well, I think you and I could make better music together than this."

I nodded and thought nothing of it. When I mentioned this to a friend later, he said "dude, that guy wanted to fuck you." Now, I have no idea. For all I know, he could be a great drummer. Or play a mean guitar. Maybe he was looking to fill out a band. Or maybe he actually meant better music and not slow, passionate, candlelit sex. I'll never know. And you'll never care.