Doing Vegas Right!

In Vegas for a bachelor party. 10 guys. MGM Grand Hotel. This was my Saturday:

11am: Wake up after 4 hours of "sleep." Re-orient self. Notice male friend in bed with me, no recollection of how that happened. Hope like hell I didn't drunkenly fuck him or try to suck his dick.

Noon - 4pm: Relax in the MGM pool. Oggle Vegas ass, and hope that chlorine kills the STD's that are probably floating around. In lieu of breakfast or lunch, Drink fruity drink from a two foot high souvenir glass. Very disturbed by how few people seem to be leaving the pool to go the bathroom.

4-5pm: Attempt 4 man nap in room with 2 beds. Get distracted watching Marlins-Cubs game on TV. When someone turns the game off, conversation drifts toward masturbating and then awkward silence. The game is turned back on.

5-7pm: 4 man nap in the room. Wake up at 7 feeling about as horrible as possible. I can't move. The only thought in my head is that if I killed the other three guys, I could go back to sleep.

7-8:15pm: 4 guys take turns showering. We're late for dinner reservation because one of us has to iron his "going out shirt" and put more gel in his hair. We all confirm our heterosexuality by not ever asking each other how we look. Grab an ice cold Smirnoff Ice for the walk to dinner.

8:30-11:30pm: Eat $100/person dinner at pricey seafood restaurant. Watch buddies drink white wine and discuss Sea Bass. Guy next to me gets completely hammered, and says out loud, unsolicited and to nobody "Man, I should have fucked that Asian chick five years ago."

11:35pm: Dinner over, at ATM with friend, get mistaken for gay couple in our 40's on our way to Rod Stewart Concert. More details on that in previous blog.

Midnight: Standing outside Studio 54 Night Club, I ask the Bachelor if he really wants to go inside. He says: "Yeah, man. I feel like dancing."

Midnight-3am: Inside Studio 54 with 9 other guys. We dance, we laugh, we get bottle service and drink Vodka-Cranberries. Realize that hot female dancer on podium has been replaced with a shirtless guy. Begin to wonder if the Bachelor is marrying a man or woman or if I've drunkenly wandered into a different all gay club. Again.

3:15am: Realize that my eyes are having a hard time focusing. Drink an entire Red Bull to try and sober up/stay awake. This fails. Of the 9 of us that came in, only about 4 others remain. Have an actual fantasy about just laying down in my bed and going to sleep. Slip out the door and drunkenly stumble back to room.

9am: Wake up with same male friend in bed with me again. I'm ony wearing boxers, but have no recollection of taking my clothes off. Wonder aloud if last night was the gayest heterosexual bachelor party ever. Bed-mate responds with disturbing overconfidence: "Oh yeah."

Tickets - The End of My Self Esteem

I was in Vegas recently for a bachelor party. There are two stories to tell, but I'm going to stick with one for now.

It was about 10:30 Saturday and my friend Jon and were, where else, waiting in line at an ATM. We'd just finished dinner and were gearing up for a night of "activities." We got our cash and turned to walk away when we were approached by two women in their mid to late 40's. Not young. And frankly, while they were dressed kind of slutty, they weren't the kind of 40 somethings who are desperately trying to look younger. These ladies were on the prowl for guys their age. So they stopped us. We are both 30 years old.

Lady #1: What's up guys? You have tickets?

We have no idea what she's talking about. We didn't have tickets to anything. We shrugged our shoulders, gave her a confused a look and said "No."

She and her friend then rolled their eyes at each other and looked at us like they were teenagers, and we were their parents. Then, with more attitude than I'd have thought possible, we got this thrown in our face:

Lady #1: Uh, Rod Stewart tickets.
Lady #2: They have no idea.

Then they walked off. We laughed briefly, making jokes like "we have no idea? They're heading off to see Rod Stewart!" (It's worth noting here, that I was under the impression Rod Stewart was dead). We went back to the restaurant to meet our friends and forgot about it.

Until about 10 minutes later, when a devastating thought occurred to me: Jon and I are not ugly - at least he's not, and there we were in our jeans and button down shirts inside the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada preparing for a night of unimaginable debauchery, and these two women took one look at us and immediately, without any hesitation assumed that we were there to attend a Rod Stewart concert.

What the fuck? What do we look like? What vibe are we giving off? How could this be?

You know what kind of people go to Rod Stewart concerts. They're old. They wear Tommy Bahama shirts. They don't like any music they can't understand the words to and when they have sex it's only for recreation and not reproduction (if you catch my drift). They're also all white, but that's besides the point.

I don't need to tell you that this completely ruined our night. Any sense of confidence we may have had was long gone.

Thankfully, in Vegas, you never have to walk to far before you run into a little Asian dude who wants to give you and your buddies a ride to a fountain of self confidence: A strip club.

Now, if I can only avoid getting slapped...