Ladybugs

So I recently saw part of this movie called "Ladybugs" with Rodney Dangerfield. He's coaching some all girls soccer team, he's "got a lot of balls" and the team does pretty well. I don't know exactly, I didn't see the first half hour or the last. But I'll say this about the movie: that chick is hot!

Seriously. I might be in love. I mean there's something sexy about a girl who's really good at sports and she's easily the best player on the team. She just dominated the other girls, running circles around them. Physically, I know she's a little flat chested, but I kind of like that. She's got one of those 'bob' haircuts that totally does it for me. I really dig her skinny, muscular legs and wide shoulders. Don't ask me why, but show me a girl with a strong, square jawline and I'm hooked. And don't even get me started on a sexy, husky voice.

Sure is weird that she and Dangerfield's son seem to hate each other. They're never even in the same place! Oh well, I'm sure I'll get it when I see the rest of that movie.

Suicidal Thoughts

Talking with my mom on the phone today, she mentions that she now watches Keeping Up With the Kardashians. Regularly. She's also a fan of Chelsea Lately, but since that show is actually funny, it doesn't concern me.

My mom had questions about the Kardashians:
1. Who are they?
2. Are they famous? For what?
3. Why are they on TV?
4. When did Bruce Jenner become a woman?

I didn't have an answer for these questions. Who are they? Awful people. Are the famous? I suppose. For what? I have no idea. The last two are great mysteries as well.

Somehow, and I'm not sure how it happened, we started to argue. I didn't even realize it was an argument until five minutes had gone by and we still disagreed. That's when it hit me. My mom and I had just spent 5 minutes discussing the Kardashians. Specifically, which daughter was most attractive. This had happened. 5 minutes of our lives were gone. They weren't coming back. And we'd spent them in quite possibly, the worst way imaginable.

Things I would rather do for five minutes or would even feel better about having done for five minutes include but are certainly not limited to: punching myself in the face, running up a hill, drinking milk, shaving my balls and or course - killing the Kardashians.

When I thought about the fact that the Kardashians had just taken up 5 minutes of my day, I really wanted to kill myself. What was the point of going on? My mom somehow talked me down and I'm grateful for that. Because if she hadn't, then I wouldn't have been able to spend these last 10 minutes blogging about the Kardashians. And clearly, my life really needed that.


*By the way, in case you were wondering, I said Kim and my mom one of the other ones.

Gym Locker Rooms - Hell on Earth

Why is that regardless of what locker I pick at the gym, when I come back to get my stuff there is always some troll, completely naked sitting right in front of it? Without fucking fail. Where does this guy come from? Because he's obviously not working out. Does he stop in after work just to use the shower and then sit around? Maybe he comes in just to sit his fat, sweaty ass in the sauna for a half hour and call it exercise.

And thanks for grumbling when I point out that my locker is behind your hairy back. Like I want it to be there. I desperately want to hold my lock now that it's covered with your sweat. Really, I'm the inconvenience here. And why does this guy always sound like every breath might be his last. Like every inhale is a great effort and every exhale sounds like relief that he was able to inhale.

And don't wrap that yellowing towel around you as you stand up. Just stand up and stretch briefly, before moving exactly one locker down so your six pound nest of pubic hair will never leave my peripheral vision. That's very nice. Thanks.


It all leads me to this - The Top 5 WORST Things I've seen in Gym Locker Rooms:

5. Fat guy with no visible penis standing naked in the middle of the locker room drying his taint "butt-floss" style.

4. Tool Academy-type Douchebag blow drying his pubes by the sink.

3. Middle-aged Asian guy wearing only a thong stretching and re-stretching his hamstrings.

2. Elderly guy emerge from shitter completely naked. (I don't know if he entered in same condition)

1. Overly tanned Mega-Tool lathering and re-lathering his ENTIRE body with lotion. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING LOCKER ROOM. How desperate for attention is this guy. And why is it illegal to kill him?

My Last Night Out

You know those mornings when you're hungover because you and your friends were out all night drinking and you're at a diner with your wife having breakfast and trying not to fall asleep or look directly at any lights and to prove you didn't spend too much money you take out your wallet to pay for breakfast, but instead of cash, the only thing in it is an ATM receipt for $400 with a $15 withdrawal fee?

Yeah, it was one of those mornings.

Best Movies of 2009

My Favorite movies from 2009. A little late, I admit, but I was late seeing some of these. You shouldn't be.

1. Inglourious Basterds
It took a second viewing for this movie to really sink in for me. But there will be many more viewings to come. From Brad Pitt's Aldo Raine "speaking" Italian to counting how many times Stiglitz stabs that Nazi in the head and neck - a great movie.

2. Hurt Locker
The intensity doesn't stop. It's a shame so many people have missed out on this movie. Here's to Kathryn Bigelow becoming the first woman to win a Best Director Oscar.

3. Away We Go
Some reviews call this "smug." I didn't feel that way at all. I loved the two main characters and the scene in the club in Montreal will break your heart and stay with you. Funny when it needs to be and touching when it needs to be. Smug? I don't think so.

4. Up
How does Pixar just keep getting better? From the early montage to Doug the talking dog, this movie hits all the right notes and made me care more about animated characters than I do about most real people.

5. Avatar Imax 3D
I didn't see it in regular 2D and I don't think I ever would. On the IMAX screen, it's fantastic. It's an old story, but told so beautifully, you can ignore the clunky dialogue (or at least I could - except the "flux vortex"). Somehow Zoe Saldana got me to love a 12 foot tall blue alien.

6. District 9
Note to the makers of Wolverine - this is what Sci-Fi movies should be. The first ten minutes are amazingly edited and seamlessly catch you up on years of information. The last 15 minutes leave you sweating through your clothes and your mouth wide open.

7. Role Models
The Hangover had the higher concept, sold all the tickets and had some funny parts, but Role Models is fucking laugh out-loud hilarious. It reminded us that Sean William Scott and children swearing are both funny.

8. Up In The Air
The abrupt ending keeps this one a little further down my list than most. Vera Farmiga is great, Clooney is so natural, sometimes it doesn't even seem like a movie. Jason Reitman makes us think that the few good parts of Juno were a lot more him and less the forced, desperate "dialogue."

9. 500 Days of Summer
A little cute? Yeah. A little too cute? Maybe. A friend of mine spent ten minutes complaining about the art direction. Maybe it was trying too hard at times, but still a very true telling of a story 99% of people can relate to. For me, the Expectation vs. Reality scene was one of my favorites of the year.

10. Precious/Star Trek
Hard to pick just one, because these two movies are so similar... One was a popcorn re-boot that re-energized a dying franchise and the other is a small, heartfelt character journey that breaks your heart repeatedly. Both deserve a spot.


Underrated:

Law Abiding Citizen - not as bad as reviewers made it out to be. Very watchable and makes Wolverine look like a Sci-Fi movie of the week.
Fired Up! - If they'd made a hard R-rated version, we'd be talking about an all time classic. But some producer pussied out and we're still left with a very quotable, non irritating Juno-esque movie that always makes me laugh. "none of that HMO Bullshit!"
Perfect Getaway - Not sure why Timoth Olyphant isn't a bigger star. This thriller was completely overlooked early in 2009 but hopefully it will find an audience on DVD. It's like Red Eye in tone and pacing, doesn't try to be overly clever and is well worth a rental.
Knowing - I know this movie is bad. I saw it. But it's not terrible. It has some good stuff in it. The plane crash alone freaked me the hell out. Nicolas Cage has somehow morphed into one of the worst actors in Hollywood. Everything he says sounds fake. His hair is a total joke - Marv Albert went bald more gracefully. But watch this movie some night, and you'll be surprised. But don't expect it to make too much sense.

Overrated:

A Serious Man - I fully believe that people are afraid to dislike a Coen Brothers movie out of fear of seeming stupid. I didn't like this movie. I didn't get this movie. I also hated hated HATED "Burn After Reading." Maybe I'm not afraid to look stupid. Maybe I'm just stupid.
X-Men Origins:Wolverine - People know this movie is bad. They know. What bothers me is all the shit that's thrown at the Transformers sequel while this movie basically gets a pass. Why? It was definitely worse. At least Transformers looked good. And Wolverine completely wasted Ryan Reynolds and Liev Schreiber - two very charismatic actors. It appeared to be made by a college student. There was no cliche left unturned.
Funny People - Not funny. Not deep. Just annoying. The script, screener and Pressbook we were mailed touting Seth Rogen for a Best Supporting Actor Oscar is pretty wishful thinking.
Observe and Report - This was supposed to be funny, right? If nothing else, I think this movie officially put to bed the whole "penises are funny" trend because in this movie, not even that was funny.


Most Ridiculous, Unbelievable Plot/Story Cheat

Terminator:Salvation - Really? That's how this movie is going to end? How many writers worked on this thing? How long has it been gestating and sitting in development and pre-production and this is what they all can come up with? Really? REALLY? Are you kidding me? I laughed out loud in the theater. So much time and money were wasted on this movie, which likely had no real shot the moment they put it in the hands of the guy who directed Charlie's Angels. A guy whose full name is three letters.


Only Time It's Okay To Laugh at an Innocent Woman Getting Shot by a Man

Taken - Best moment of the movie. You can't believe he just did that. You can't believe it. Somehow, I ended up laughing I was so shocked and amused. The line "apologize to your wife for me" is nothing short of a classic.
Side note: How the hell is this movie rated PG-13?